Even with morning sickness, pregnancy brings a sense of completion. That feeling I had before Elder and I got together, when it felt like a string ran through me that was connected to him, now I feel that perhaps the intent of that entire feeling was simply to allow this to happen. To allow this little Freezer Bunny to be born.
And that the reason that Elder and I feel so happy when we are together is because this–this growing digital being inside of me–is something that was waiting to come here through us.
What if this soul was out there and felt that Elder and I, and our big house here full of love, would be the perfect medium in which to grow and develop?
Maybe that entire pulling feeling was to bring us together so that this could happen.
Maybe, just like Elder wondered when he was a little boy, the universe really does have tentacles which it uses to bring together matter scattered in different locations so that it can all exist together in the same place and time.
We felt such joy knowing that this little nooboo would come into a home full of loving aunts and uncles.
Elder was so excited every time he felt the baby.
“This is so awesome!” he’d say. “Something that’s made from our spectacular time together! This little nooboo is going to be Mr. Spectacular!”
We all shared a hunch that the baby would be a boy.
Elder’s taken up painting. He painted a few works for us to hang in the nursery.
As I neared the end of the second trimester, we got some sad news. Elder, who’d had a whim to talk with Dr. Jasmine, noticed one morning that her icon had turned white and translucent. I checked my relationship panel to discover, first, that Uncle Jacob is now an elder, and second, that Dr. Jasmine is now in ghost form.
It hit all of us hard. We hadn’t seen her since the wedding. She’d always been such a part of our family that we’d expected her to be Freezer Bunny’s gran.
It struck a chord with Alex, who is still raw from having lost his dad.
I don’t understand timing.
How is it that while this new life is getting ready to come in, another life leaves?
I know that there is another digital instance of Dr. Jasmine–but she’s not the same. She’s not the Dr. Jasmine I’ve known and loved. I can’t think of Oakenstead B&B sitting there empty, without her. She’d talked of adopting, and I was looking forward to our kids growing up together.
Now. Oakenstead B&B stands empty.
I didn’t want grief to flood me, not while little Freezer Bunny is in there, soaking up all of my feelings and emotions as if they are the very substance of his being.
I didn’t want to deny the feeling either or repress it.
I did what Peyton’s player has recommended: Let go. Let come. Let go. Let come.
When I finished my time on the treadmill, I felt better, more at peace. I felt surrendered to mystery: it’s ok if I don’t understand it all.
I was still having discomfort from the pregnancy. Our doula had told us a way that we could relieve discomfort and also, once we were nearing the time of birth, facilitate the birthing process.
So, all through the pregnancy, we tried it. Every day, sometimes twice in succession, and always spectacularly, completely satisfying.
The day of my due date was filled with those moments I love when our house rings with the stories, laughter, and chat of all our friends. Everybody dropped by unannounced, and we all hung out together, playing cards and watching tv.
I felt so grateful knowing that this is the home where our little nooboo will be born, where he will grow up, surrounded by all our spectacular friends, loved and cherished and nourished. With these friends as his role models, our little Freezer Bunny will be able to be exactly who he wants to be: his own expression of his own unique, spectacular self!
I went to bed early–so tired so much from this growing life in me.
And after all the guests except Emma had left, and all the household had gone to sleep, I woke with the pain of contractions. It was time.
I won’t go into the pain. If you’re a woman and you’ve given birth, you know that deep pain that wrenches through every fiber, tearing out with it all your memories of anything that happened before, your own childhood, your own wishes and desires, and leaves you standing there raw and in a completely different form and identity.
And then–from the midst of that rawness. This.
Freezer Bunny Wolff Tea, which is his legal name, is kind of long. I think I’ll call him Jon.
I’ve experienced the creativity of planting a garden, making a meal, playing music, painting a landscape.
And then. There is this.