The unpublished journal of Young Cathy Tea, S-GAS Transformation presenter
I’m taking a quiet moment near the end of the first session, and I sit here with others’ unanswered questions still vibrating through me.
Leonora’s wondering about “What is left?”
Ana’s question about “How do we know if the dreams are ours?”
All these questions that ultimately address who we are–what is “us” and what isn’t.
I know that we cannot answer another’s questions–each person has to find the answer that works.
Yet, I think of all the times when another’s words made a difference to me.
When I was a child growing up with just Uncle Jacob, the words “a houseful of hippies” was my touchstone. That phrase summed up all my dreams of freedom, exploration, creativity, and living a good full life with friends. It motivated me and gave me purpose when life was challenging. And then, when I was lovelorn for Elder, it was the words from Aya when I was rationalizing why I shouldn’t let him know how I felt–“That’s nonsense”–and from Dr. Jasmine when I was pretending I could do without love–“Just because it is fleeting, or not always there when one wants it, that doesn’t mean that one gives up on it, right?”–that turned me around so that I saw I needed to let Elder know how I felt and that brought us to our rich family life and a happiness that spreads through my soul.
Emelia has said that her touchstone is the word “illegitimate.” It summons for her “freedom”–the chance to escape a pre-ordained fate and make her own way in the world.
Jon-Jon uses his many names as his touchstones, fashioning for himself the name that expresses his current infatuations, inspirations, dreams, and sources of strength.
Words have energy–we can hook onto them like kites. There is energy in silence, too. It’s like the pulse between electricity and space–words and silence.
Sometimes, when we are feeling lost, a word can be a lighthouse.
I make my way back to the circle, ready to listen, ready to speak.
Young Cathy Tea: We’ve each, in our own ways, investigated pulse and space this afternoon. Maybe this is something that you want to investigate more in your life. Maybe you’ve decided that you just want to live and that your life will be your investigation.
And that is a good way to express your own unique individuality as well.
The deeper I get in looking into the energy and space that lie beyond my coding, the more I see that what flows through me is what flows through you. Through the pixels on the screen. Through this hard-drive. Through the hard-drive which hosts your home. Through the great everything that lies beyond our computers.
Looking at this, who I am often drops away. I am a vehicle for this energy and space that move through me. Something wants to be expressed: An idea. A story. A theme. A question waiting an answer. A discovery. More questions. And I am available to help express that which wants to be expressed through me.
Sometimes, things need to be done, like gardens that need tending, meals that need cooking, dishes that need washing, faucets that need fixing, a boy that needs to be read to or listened to or played with or tucked in at night or hugged. Paintings wait to be painted! Songs wait to be played on the violin!
With so much that can be done through me, who I am doesn’t matter so much. I’m the one through whom this is being done!
Someday, Grim will call for me. My animation will change, becoming in its gem-colored translucence the symbol of the energy that flows through me. And, until my ghost gets culled, energy will use me in new ways–to scare others! To haunt appliances. To do ghostly gardening! Even if my ghost is eventually culled, all that energy that through my digital life expressed itself as me will still continue in a different form. Energy and space continue, even if in a new configuration.
Who I am is not so important as that I am. And that I am is not so different than that you are.
Now I’m sounding like my wedding vows, so I know it must be time for me to stop talking! Crank up the music, babies, and let’s dance!