Aimless: Birthday Rambles

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The solar return offers a chance to look back and look ahead.

This is the day of my solar return, and so my thoughts ramble back through the year.

It was a challenging year, personally and astrologically. I lost a few friends (though I gained a few more!), and I’ve been moving through an uncomfortable and restricting astrological transit.

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Sometimes this year I felt under attack by what I loved most!

For the past seven months, Saturn’s been square my natal Moon and Venus, which are opposite each other in my natal chart. As the moon is the ruler of Cancer, my sun sign, and Venus is the ruler of Taurus, my rising sign, my energy flows through the pathways of these two planets.

So when Saturn passes square, the expression of my energy for communicating, writing, creating, relating, and even living is restricted. Add to this that Neptune is currently conjunct my natal Moon and opposite Venus, so there is a lot of extra numinous energy wanting to flow through these two channels. I often thought of river levees and sap running through constricted cells.

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Structure and growth side by side in a forest… it can be a good thing, right?

During the first pass, I found myself resisting everything. As this came to my attention, I developed the mantra, “Don’t resist the resistance!” I suppose it helped a little bit, as the internal structures where shifting and being reformed.

During the second direct pass, roughly a week ago, I was given a direct lesson and some new tools. The lesson involved trauma. One evening, I found myself feeling uncomfortably anxious, which is not a common state for me. As I felt the anxiety increase, the words came, “You are reliving past trauma.” Understanding that this was what was happening, I breathed my way through the experience and calmness came within twenty minutes or so. I had never thought of myself as one who’d experienced trauma, yet for the next few days, I realized that, like most of us living on this planet, I have.

In one of those beautiful gifts of synchronicity, a few days later, I learned that Doreen Virtue and her publisher, Hay House, were making available free e-book versions of Virtue’s Don’t Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle, a book that provides techniques to heal from past trauma. (Later note: the limited time e-book give-away was part of a promotion for an online class offered by Virtue. The book is no longer available for free.)

Reading the first third of this book prompted a shift in me: Virtue discusses the brain chemistry and hormonal changes that occur after trauma and the ways that people become addicted to these stress chemicals and hormones. That’s when they crave drama and fear boredom. Understanding this opened up space so that I could find my way back to peace.

She offers, too, useful tips for difficult relationships we have with others who have experienced trauma:

  1. Have compassion.
  2. Don’t take it personally.
  3. Take care of yourself.
  4. Know that you can’t fix or change the other.
  5. Be a good role model.

(Source: 5 Healthy Ways to Deal with Difficult People in Your Life – Note: this video is also no longer available for free.)

This week, leading up to my solar return, I’ve been practicing these techniques, and I like the way they make me feel: powerful, calm, loving, and peaceful.

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And when you feel good, you can laugh!

In a few months, Saturn will pass for the third time through this direct square, and then it will continue its course, freeing up the Moon and Venus energy pathways.  I hope that during the third pass, I’m able to integrate what I’ve learned–both about the structure of resistance and about trauma–so that the lessons of this transit become part of me.

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Integration: just look to nature to see how it happens.

And what will the new year bring? Once Saturn releases my energy, then Neptune’s gifts will flow unhindered. I’m open for a year of music, art, intuition, dreams, and imagination. It promises to be a busy year for me professionally, too.

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I no longer feel under attack.

The solar return offers an opportunity to set intentions. Here are mine:

  1. Continue reading and writing SimLit.
  2. Continue my involvement with the Simming community through Book Club, Reading Circles, and the Kindness Bench for SimLit Writers and Storytellers.
  3. Play cello. Play piano.
  4. Be the best partner I can be to my best lifetime (and beyond) partner.
  5. Be mindful in daily actions.
  6. Do my best with the professional projects that have come and will come my way.
  7. Have compassion for everyone, myself included.
  8. Practice yoga. Walk.
  9. Treat everyone with the kindness, patience, and understanding I would extend to a best friend, while being my own best friend.
  10. Greet each morning, each moment, each challenge, and the end of each day with gratitude.
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Could it be that gratitude is always enough?

Another year, another day, another moment: Vadish.

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