Sometimes the look on your face is enough to break my heart in two.
I kind of wish I hadn’t told you about the plan to look for your bizoopagotogo. Maybe if I’d kept it all secret, then disappointment wouldn’t color our lives.
A little kid shouldn’t have to be kept waiting.
We still dance to make the waiting pass.
It doesn’t work as well as it used to.
You’ve been having trouble with the atmosphere, now that your limbs are longer. It’s hard for you to breathe sometimes.
The suits the agency sent seem to help.
But there are still a lot of mornings when I can tell you’re in pain.
I wish I could help you more.
“SebastionwhatamIdoinghere?” you asked me the other morning.
“Spaces, Sept,” I reminded you. We’ve been practicing with your speech so that it’s easier for other people to understand you.
You took a deep breath.
“Sebastion, what am I doing here?” you asked.
I was feeling happy. Having you around, even when you’re sad, I don’t know, son. It just warms me.
“Right now, you’re dancing with me, son,” I said.
“It’s not what I mean, Sebastion,” you answered. “I’mtalkingbigquestionwhylikewhyherenadwhynotsomewhereelseandIdon’tbelong and where is everybody?”
“I don’t know, kid,” I said. I wanted to tell you about this kid I read about who’s been hacking into government computers, including the agency’s, and posting what he finds on bulletin boards. But I don’t want to get your hopes up.
We keep dancing.
It’s not bad every day.
Sometimes, you sit in the park in the sun, in your white suit, and you look happy and peaceful.
You’ve still got that little toy cat you had as toddler. Kisuuu, you call her, and you ask her all sorts of questions.
I’m glad you’ve got a friend, even if she is made of plastic.
You’ve been with me so long now, that I feel you belong. I never wonder what you’re doing here–or if it was some kind of accident. You’re here, with me, and you belong. And no amount of existential angst you feel could dim the way my heart rises up when I see you, son.
After all, I spent half my life wondering where I belonged, too. And it’s only been since you arrived that that question, for me, has ceased to be.